been lonely too long...

August 31st/Sept 1st 2007

I saw my very first boyfriend tonight. I went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery with a few friends to see "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" I heard his distinctly gay South African accent two rows away from me in the line to get into the cemetery. I turned around to find that it was, in fact, the red-haired, skinny, flamboyant, leprechaun-esque young man I had known for 2 1/2 weeks about 6 years ago. I had only since seen him on the internet after our dramatic break up in the parking lot of a coffee shop in Redondo Beach. The pictures of him on the net were sweaty dance club shots that made him look bald and chubby.

But I can't say anything terrible about the way he looked in person. Bubbly. Bright orange. Happy. Seeing him made me feel terribly lonely...like I hadn't grown up at all.
I was never heartbroken when our affair ended, but for some reason his presence made me feel like the boring, mainstream little boy he once told me I was.

I may just be bitter because I didn't get to make out with someone tonight. The setting was a ridiculous kind of romantic and it was all wasted. I felt tired after three glasses of wine.

Side note: I wish I was more productive with my time....like this guy...

A Lover Who Will Drive Me Crazy.

I'm trying to imagine how you could be more perfect.
I know one thing.

I love that every want is expressed as a need, and the way you end even the most normal and mundane sentences with exclamation points.

I'm usually terrified of passion. And in a situation where fears perhaps should hold me back, I'm uncharacteristically relaxed.

I'll make this quick.

For some reason, every time I sit in front of my computer for even a short period of time I get very dizzy and my pinky finger begins to tingle and fall asleep.

I fairly sure I have bad circulation, and today I realized this could be due to the fact that I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. So around 5 o clock, I quit smoking.

At precisely 9:51 I drove to Rite Aid to buy some binders for my final school projects, and I ended up buying a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Toasted Head Cabernet Sauvignon.

Every time I quit smoking I get crazy ideas. Often I pretend I'm on one of those Vh1 Celebreality TV shows, only it's only an hour long special about me trying to quit smoking. I picture the camera crew around me, and the disappointed looks i would get from them if after just 4 hours of not smoking, I light up.

It never works.

So I bought my last pack of cigarettes. And it truly is my last pack. I've decided if I want to smoke for the rest of my life then I'm allowed to. But I'm only allowed to smoke cigarettes that were originally packaged in the box that is sitting in my lap at this very moment. If i want to smoke, then I'll have to make the 19 remaining cigarettes in the pack last for the next 70 some odd years.

I think I'll waste one now.