I've Just Seen a Face...

eugen is a perfect man.

been lonely too long...

August 31st/Sept 1st 2007

I saw my very first boyfriend tonight. I went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery with a few friends to see "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" I heard his distinctly gay South African accent two rows away from me in the line to get into the cemetery. I turned around to find that it was, in fact, the red-haired, skinny, flamboyant, leprechaun-esque young man I had known for 2 1/2 weeks about 6 years ago. I had only since seen him on the internet after our dramatic break up in the parking lot of a coffee shop in Redondo Beach. The pictures of him on the net were sweaty dance club shots that made him look bald and chubby.

But I can't say anything terrible about the way he looked in person. Bubbly. Bright orange. Happy. Seeing him made me feel terribly lonely...like I hadn't grown up at all.
I was never heartbroken when our affair ended, but for some reason his presence made me feel like the boring, mainstream little boy he once told me I was.

I may just be bitter because I didn't get to make out with someone tonight. The setting was a ridiculous kind of romantic and it was all wasted. I felt tired after three glasses of wine.

Side note: I wish I was more productive with my time....like this guy...

peggy

One day I'll sing this song in a karaoke bar where people will appreciate it.

impossible promises

As God as my witness...This will be my powderroom...

...and this will be my boyfriend.

Where Is My Man?

Dearest Blog,

I neglect you on purpose... It makes me feel powerful. I miss nicotine but I know my life is better without it...DOTS and wine are currently filling its void.

I've become extremely lovesick. I've turned to into a young girl, developing crushes on major motion picture stars and internet sensations. I've never liked Peter Gabriel but I find myself listening to him lately. His voice sounds like happiness. His mouth makes love to my ears...vocally, no tongue or anything.

I'm trying to articulate how sick it is.

I've deleted some numbers out of my phone so that I don't make an ass out of myself. I'm hoping that in the future I can have a relationship with someone without us later recalling the angry, drunk phone calls I've just prevented myself from making.

I think Eartha Kitt said it best...

the patch.

Day Two.

A Lover Who Will Drive Me Crazy.

I'm trying to imagine how you could be more perfect.
I know one thing.

I love that every want is expressed as a need, and the way you end even the most normal and mundane sentences with exclamation points.

I'm usually terrified of passion. And in a situation where fears perhaps should hold me back, I'm uncharacteristically relaxed.

February Morning Dream

I’m staring at my foot in confusion. There is a light brown plantlike growth emerging from a bright red sore on the bottom of it. Every time I touch it in order to remove it from the sore, I become incredibly dizzy and almost lose consciousness…

Suddenly I’m in a red leather booth at an old fashioned diner, working on my laptop. My boss, who's sitting next to me, puts her arm around me and begins kissing my neck. I look away from her in order to think, “Should I let this happen?”. I begin kissing her arm and working my back to her neck. Now she’s straddling me. I’m thinking to myself.

How could I let this happen?
What made her think I would enjoy her advances?
And most importantly, how would it affect my job status when I break her heart by falling in love with a man?

***********************************************


I used to think I was bisexual. I also used to perform amateur operations on my ingrown toenails, using paper scissors and razorblades. During one routine surgery I dug too deep into the cuticle of my big toe and came very close to passing out.